Turbulence

Life is turbulent - it will rock you when you least expect it, once it has rocked you once and it makes you nervous, each subsequent shake seems worse than the last. When we're flying and hit some turbulence, we just remind ourselves that it will be over soon enough, but a few bumpy hours pale in comparison to the turbulence of day to day life.

A week ago, my aunt lost her five year battle with throat cancer at the age of 51. While mourning and grieving the loss of my aunt, I feel bad to admit it, but my mind was not with her. My mind was instead locked on my own mother, who is now in her eighth year battling Multiple Myeloma. My mother is only a few years younger than my late aunt was - and all my brain seemed to be locked in on was thinking about how much time I may have left with my mother.

I haven't had it entirely rough, but things have never really been easy. My father, while I love him to death, has scarcely ever been around, especially when I needed him the most. My mother was my rock growing up, and remains to be to this day. For eight years I have pondered what it will mean to lose her, how I will cope; and to this day the answer remains the same; I have no idea how my life will change, and I don't think I'll find a way to cope until I'm forced to deal with the harsh reality that is the death of those closest to us.

My aunt's passing, my mother's health, my father's apparent indifference; all big turbulent shakes - but the small ones that come between those hitting me full force make them even harder to deal with. I've dealt with things by burying myself in something else, work, cleaning, games, sports, reading, anything really that allows me to forget about life and find some peace of mind, even if only temporary.

Work has become draining, my firm laid off multiple people, which meant longer and harder hours every day - between my main job and second job, it's not uncommon to hit 65-70 hours each week, and let's be honest, I'm just tired. Add in to the long hours and the rough days a haphazard and partially competent team around me; and a whimsical supervisor who jumps from one snap judgement or decision to the next like he's playing hopscotch, and it's nearly enough to cause me to snap.

The key for me is trying to find a balance between the turbulence and normalcy; whether that means a harder workout to exert the stress and anger that I seem to be accumulating at a more rapid than normal pace, or meditating before I go to sleep each night (has actually helped quite a bit), finding the balance has proven to be harder than I'd like, and has caused me to over compensate on either side more than once, which means things have slipped. One of my best outlets for understanding myself and how to process things remains writing it out. This blog has served as a target for raw emotion and reflection for years now, and every time I surge in how many posts I am writing, tends to correlate with an overall better mood.

Enough writing for now however... until next time,
Tut

Being Grateful... More often...

BlogNation!

I think life tends to get rolling so fast sometimes that we miss the stop to really appreciate and be grateful for what we have; I'm certainly guilty of this. Stepping back to reflect on the positive influences in your life is not always easy, but it is immensely rewarding, and truly allows you to find clarity with regards to the things that matter, and those that could fall to the wayside without really hurting you... I'm going to come up with three things I am grateful for each day, in hopes that this self-reflection will allow me to find a bit more peace and guidance through the day to day rigmarole of life.

1. My job. There are plenty of people out there without a job, that struggle to provide for themselves because they can't find good work. I often find myself bitching about my job, either I'm busy, someone has done something that irritated me, or I'm just malcontent for some other reason - rather than seeing it as the blessing it truly is.

2. My family. This one seems a bit cookie cutter, but my family is truly the rock that I can build upon. It seems no matter how much I may screw up, they are always right there behind me to help push me up; the same as I am for them.

3. My friends. I've been blessed to have some of hte best friends a guy could ask for. I've had a few of them for a quarter of a century now; that's not something you find anywhere. It wouldn't matter if it was 3:00a or 7:00p; if I was here or anywhere else, I know that I could count on them any time - as they can count on me.


So the first three were cookie cutter and obvious - but I'll quote a post from a friend of mine:
"What if you woke up tomorrow with only the things you thanked God for today"

I pray every day before I go to bed, including thanking God for my blessings; though even if you weren't religious, this quote can have stark value... Take God out of the quote even, "What if you woke up tomorrow with only the things you were thankful for today"

Food for thought,

-Tut