Unwelcme Dreams

It's unpleasant when you dream about things that you had no intention to; even worse when it's something you want nothing more than to avoid thinking about at all. For me, these dreams have gotten more and more frequent lately, and it is making me wonder why it is that they are hitting me now. It's difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that maybe beneath all of the harbored anger that I have towards my ex, there is still a piece of me that loves her; I think that might be what these dreams have been about. I see her damn near every night as soon as my eyes are closed, not because I want to be with her any more, not because I care about her the way I used to; but I think because I have hated her for so long that now my conscious needs me to accept that there is a part of me she's always going to have. I usually like to have some closure after I write these posts, there is none this morning... I don't know when I'll get it...

Back to the land of ten thousand lakes...

So yes, back to the cities I have once again traveled, this time permanently. Of course Iowa brought to my attention a lot of things about myself that I definitely think will make me a better person over the long run, plus friendships were made there that I honestly believe will probably end up being life long ones; and the independance and freedom of being not only out from under my parents for two years, but out of state gave me a little insight into what the world has in store beyond the safehaven of home; and not that I'm scared of what is beyond, but it is certainly nice being back in the safehaven for the time being, for all the right reasons.



Iowa was great to me, most of the time. Though the rash of breakins and thefts from my apartment from people that I trusted who I shouldn't have were what pushed me the last bit towards the decision to move, I felt like it was going to be happening soon enough anyway. Really the idea of establishing my life in Mason wasn't the right fit, and I knew it all along, I was too distracted by having fun and mesing around with my friends to make the progress I would have needed to make being that far from home and working a crappy, annoying, but loveable job making grand slam deliciousness for all.



So not more thann 24 hours after being robbed for the second time within a month, I had a Uhaul lined up and was loading and coming back to Minnesota, abrupt and sudden, but maybe that move was the catalyst for what seems to be the beginning of the tumblers falling into place for my life to make true forward progress; within a day of being back I had a job with somewhat more regular hours, better pay, and more possibility, (although working in the steel plant might drive me a little bit nuts) which can lead to saving up and finishing college, which will in turn cause more good things to happen; so maybe rather than just harboring angry thoughts towards the coward who robbed me I have realized that maybe it was indeed what some call a blessing in disguise, because those events can be credited with my return to the safehaven of home for the time being, and the bright outlook I have once again renewed within myself for my own future.



I may not know exactly where I am going, and I sure as hell have no clue how exactly I'm going to get there, but what I do know is that things seem to be lining up and making a bit more sense on the school and work front. As far as the relationship front, well, it's sure nice to be back in the cities =P we'll have to see what's in store, but for now I remember some advice a pretty smart guy told me once, "You have to be able to stand entirely alone and be alright before you can expect someone to want to stand with you" so I'm just going to hang out here, and stand on my own, and wait for the right someone to come stand with me.



There be the update, I am writing this entirely too early in the AM for me, think ima go take a nap, Lizard out =)

PS - Thank you blogspot for autosaving my drafts, I'd have been super pissed if my misclick actually made me lose this whole post =D

They Call Me... The Lizard....

Everyone inevitably picks up a nick name or two as life progresses, every now and again, you get one that is perfect for who you are... I was so donned, as the lizard. I don't even realize it myself but I call myself Lizard more often than Dustin most days. To those who do not know the story, this is how I became, the lizard.

One of my good good friends, was sitting and staring at my former roommates iguana, when all the sudden he began screamin' through the old Alpha House, "Tuttle's a LIZARD!!!" It stuck, and that was that, but as the time progressed, all my lizardly traits seemed to make the name even more fitting each day, whether I was at home on my couch (aka The Rock) or out soaking in sun, or even changing my colors, this friend of mine seemed to keep finding ways to make me a justified lizard. So, there is how I became the Lizard, not a complicated story at all, but one that I think anyone who wants to really know me, needs to know.

So three cheers to my buddy behind the name, for once I was just Dustin, hanging out and doin' nothin, but now I am the Lizard, and I can't lie, I'm pretty hyped on it.

On The Grand Slam Hustle

I suppose after selling my soul to Denny's for a cheap wage, then selling the remnants of it to Pizza Hut for a shittier wage, I have become a slave to the dollar; which I suppose I always have been. Life can seem like it bears down on us at times; for me it has been a rough last few months. I have found some solace in knowing that I have my friends to fall back to, but in the last few months, I have slowly been watching the friends I have made here move away. This definitely bums me out, but at the same time it makes me happy because ultimately that's what we always want for our friends and the people that touch our lives, success and happiness. As much as that happiness for my friends and their success makes me feel good, it is almost instantaneously counteracted by the impending loneliness that is slowly settling in.

There are those days when my friends all seem to have something previously going on, or the days when I sell my soul for my pitiful wage for a sixteen hour stretch that kills my day, when I walk into my apartment to meet just the cold air because my landlord still hasn't fixed the furnace. Those nights are the ones that suck the most... the nights when I don't have anything to really anchor my mind down and keep it from wandering to the places where I try so hard day in and day out to prevent it from wandering. I suppose the simple fact of the matter is that there are things in life that we don't want to remember, and if we had the chance a lot of the time most of us would instantly go back and change whatever that detail may be. Any of my friends that know me well enough know that I am in some ways, damaged. I have experienced a lot of pain and suffering in my lifetime, as short as it is so far. I've buried family, and friends; fallen in love then felt the vicious sting when it all fell to pieces. I remember that these things are part of what has molded me into the man that I am today. Typically, that realization would put my mind at ease; but then it didn't, because it was no longer the past that was bearing down on my thoughts, it was the present and the future, not knowing what will come or where things may lead; not knowing if I will find that person that I'm looking for. Most days I can do little more than hope that maybe, just maybe this day will be the day that the "dare to be great" moment will come, and I will meet the girl I've been waiting on for what seems to be an eternity.

I digress, because you can't go search for love, you just have to be ready to try and recognize it when it shows up knocking on your head asking if anyone's home in there. The horizon looks promising, plans have been laid, ideas thought up, shenanigans planned, and dreams dreamed. Will the future carry me there? No freakin' idea, but I like to think that regardless of what I do, if I set my mind to it and stay on point, I can do it. If this works out, who knows what I'll do, might even bring deliciousness to the people of MC - shush, it's a secret!'
'
I suppose the point that I am trying to take from this session is that there really isn't any need to worry about who you will end up with, where you will end up, what you will be doing. In the end you will end up where you belong, with who you belong with, doing what you were meant to do; obviously that doesn't mean that I advocate doing nothing and blowing off the signs of life, but rather take a more cavalier approach to it, and try to enjoy every bit of life you can soak up, you only get one shot, make it count, and do it your way.

Lizard Thoughts, and a Toast

This too shall pass - strange how when things seem the hardest, those four little words can snap me back to reality; life can be cruel, you will lose people close to you, that is an unfortunate fact; rather than allowing yourself to be lost in mourning, it is times like this you must pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and have a toast to the ones we can''t be with anymore; because it is my firm believe, that when they leave us, they are met with a similar toast in heaven, as they reunite with the people who have gone before them.

So here's to you Big Don - Rest in Peace - you meant a lot to me, you accepted me without question; I'll see you again someday...